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August 07 FortunateI found this article about a child of neglect from Dooce. Much like Heather wrote, I was horrified reading this the last 13 minutes I was in the office. Certainly puts things in perspective. I am fortunate to have such a happy, healthy child. Who, pretty much on a daily basis, tells me "This is the BEST day of my life!" July 27 What was I thinking?In about 12 minutes we are leaving for a Reading class we signed A up for. A 5-week, 1.25 hour event that is supposed to introduce reading as fun and a jump into Kindergarten. With pencils. But every Sunday? What the hell was I smoking?
I'm glad we are taking A to this. We were talking at the breakfast table about how important it is to know how to read regardless of what path you choose in life. If you are a "reader/writer", math, art, even an engineer needs to know how to read. A loves to be read TO. And she loves to page through books and recite from memory the story - or make one up on her own. She just gets all sorts of stressed out when we try to help her recognize words, sound things out, etc. She doesn't allow herself the grace to learn things slowly, to practice and make mistakes and do it right the next time (or the 5th time). The writing is on the wall, my 5-year old is already the perfectionist mess that her mother has become. April 25 5 years!A is 5 today. 5!!! When did my little baby age 5 years? So much has transpired over the last 5 years. Children and their development is amazing. I have one of the most compassionate and neurotic chidren I've met. She loves Mommy & Daddy, our cat, her friends, Hello Kit-tee, My Little Pony, mazes, tic tac toe, reading, singing, acting, Baby Julia, Dan Zanes, treats, Fraggle Rock, taking pictures, making movies, cooking with Norman, baking with me, calling her grandparents, play dates, the Zoo....I really could go on and on...my girl loves life!
Today is the first day in a long time that I've felt great! It's unnerving. Today is day-5 of my full cocktail strength Anti-D's. I got up and ran this morning (as hard as it was to drag my ass out of bed at 5am and into that cold morning), A and I went to PCC and got breakfast and cupcakes for her class, I got in, been productive up until this point, have a plan laid out for the rest of the day... I don't trust it. Too new. Will come crashing down at any point... It was a really rough week for me, I had a headache that lasted from Monday night until this morning (maybe that's why I'm so jazzed). I'm pretty sure these headaches of late are migraines. I don't want to go to the doctor. Why?! If they can help prescribe treatment, why not make it better. I still have fear of moving forward. It's so comfortable where I sit today. I bring this up given my life the past few months, I look at my child, and see all that innocence and possibility. Instead of being afraid of how she'll twist that into whatever her issues will be, I'm finding peace there. Trying to figure out how to cultivate that in her. Keep is stronger.
Shortly I'm off to get juice boxes for the party tomorrow and a Hello Kit-tee balloon (shh - it's a secret)
Enjoy your Friday, I'm sure enjoying mine. March 01 Sick kids (and some linky's)A is sick. Like, fever and laid up in bed barely able to move sick. We took her to the doctor yesterday, she's got the flu. Didn't get her a flu shot this year due to her not being a "high risk group". Why is there always a shot shortage? Huh? Can't they be better at predicting the trend and population and all that good stuff? Or is it truly related to when they have to develop the formula and how long it takes to make before shots are no longer relevant? It's probably that. And I'm not the type to go and research that sort of thing. My husband is. I just mouth off about it.
A so rarely gets sick. Sure, she has the runny nose cold that most young kids seem to carry 50% of the time. But sick like this? I think it's been a few years since she was this sick. It freaks her out. It makes me more aware as well. We are pretty fortunate with her health. Hopefully, that will only help her more as she gets older and is resistent to whatever presents itself. Unlike these children you see nowadays where mom & dad lock them up in a bubble "protecting" them from germs. I was once at a restaurant and saw parents take out one of those fabric covers for the high chair (I kinda understand that one)...but also a full place setting for the kid (plate, utensils, cup). I don't know, maybe the kid had some auto immune deficiency or something. But if your kid is that sick - what the hell are you doing in a pizza place teeming with other children (remember 50% of them with the snotty noses?) Let your kids fall down people. Let them catch whatever is going around the classroom. Jeez....
And now for linky's
Sadly, I was not quick enough to get tickets for the Swell Season in Seattle 4/30. Was it them winning an Oscar? Perhaps...but would really really like to go to the show! But not so much to pay $500 on Ebay. ...sigh... February 08 long time goneHi all,
I know, I know - what happened to my rants and oddities of the web. I've been a bit busy lately. 12 hour days on a work machine make internet play time less desirable. (except, of course, my extremly perverse addiction to Perez Hilton).
Something happened with A a week or so ago that I've just needed to blog about. My child keeps a rather messy room. To the point that I can barely look in there as it makes me crazy. At the same time, it's her personal space. I remember how much I hated it when my dad would make me stay in my room until it met his cleanliness threshold. I don't want to be that militant. So I do my best to just let it go...
On occasion, I just get an OCD need to straighten up and put things where they "belong". She has a few tubs from the container store to put all those little piece in (polly pockets, my little pony, etc) As I was straightening up recently, I pulled out one of these containers and mixed in with toys were chocolate wrappers. Lots of them. Chocolate that was in a candy bowl in the living room during the holidays. I nearly died...my heart grew heavy.
See, when I was younger and very overweight, I would hide food in my room from my mom and dad. Candy and cookies would migrate from the kitchen to the bedroom in secret hiding places. It was never really hard as I didn't need to justify the disappering cookies from the jar. My dad ate SO many cookies on a daily basis, the family probably just thought it was him (if my brother is reading this, here's a skeleton for you). I flashed back to all those emotions, the feelings, the desperation I felt as a child. Granted - I don't remember much of my childhood. But what I do remember is not necessarily pleasant. The teasing, the nagging, everything wrapped up in an overweight kid's life. The lectures and "why can't you be thin like your brother"... Words that haunt me to this day. All I need to do is call one up and my self esteem notches down a bit (she writes with tears in her eyes).
In that moment I sat in front of A's closet, I had all these flash forwards of her. I desperately don't want weight to be one of her demons. I know she will have them, just please God not food or weight.
I have chosen not to say anything to her this time. For as much as it hit my nerves, it is also very likely the hidden wrappers were due a 4-year-olds love of candy and nothing more. It could have been 2 pieces every day since we put the candy bowl out there. I wouldn't be worried about two pieces of chocolate every day, not unless she loses treat privileges. If it happens again, I'll be looking to Norman and my therapist for support on how to talk to her about it. I want her to enjoy food and its pleasures - something that it took about 30 years for me to accept - I want her to love the melt of chocolate on the tongue, the savoriness of an herbed bread... I don't want to know that my child felt a need to hide food from me... December 26 MagicThere is nothing quite so special on Christmas than a child's belief in Santa Claus and the wonder of the whole engagement. A had quite the time yesterday. She's been asking for a "Baby and a Baby Set-Up" for quite some time, and Princess stickers. This is what she wrote and told Santa. When she went to bed Monday night the tree had no present under it and the stockings were empty. She woke Tuesday morning, not quite caught up in the must-go-downstairs-to-presents of desire and watched a show while Mommy & Daddy woke up. We all went downstairs, she opened her two gifts from Santa, went through her stocking, then we paused for breakfast.
Yes, she was totally overwhelmed in the morning. Wanting to give out and help open gifts. She gave me a heart necklace (which I came to learn was a very precise process) and Norman a cookbook he wanted. Not really into talking to grandparents. And spent the better part of the day getting her Baby acclimated to her new house and new mommy. There is just nothing in the world like watching your child on Christmas morning. I cannot even describe it. It's just magic. December 15 Too smartI got this cute stationary set at Target. It has two "letters to Santa" pages and 10 thank you notes. I thought it would be a good idea this year to document what A wants from Santa. Something for the scrapbook (that I haven't started regardless of her 4.5 years on the planet), or perhaps to embarass her with as a teenager, or make her appreciate the innocence of childhood when she is an adult.
So she dictated to me what she wanted for Christmas. She signed the letter and I told her I would mail it to the North Pole. Then I reminded her we are visiting Santa tomorrow at the mall. And this was her response (paraphrased):
She just looked at me. I didn't quite have an answer. So this lame-ass-cannot-think-on-her-feet came up with this:
Um...Yeah... November 26 VarietyA has taken to sleeping anywhere but her bed in the last few weeks. It started during one of Norman's trips. Sleeping bag on the floor, child inside, asleep until dawn. Then it morphed into her window seat. Which is presently the perfect size for a 4-yr-old to sleep in. Now she is back on the floor with a fleece blanket. I asked her the other day why she wasn't sleeping in her bed any longer. "Because I like to do things different Mommy." Oh. OK. I guess she schooled me huh? November 15 Falling in loveI think I've been pretty vocal lately in my struggle being a mother. I'm starting to see signs, very small steps, that I'm moving out of that. Or perhaps learning to cope better. This week, Norman has been in Vegas at a conference. During this time, I've been falling in love with A. Just looking at her little face, her skin so pale and so perfect. Her enthusiasm for a budding relationship with the Cat (who is very patient with her). Watching her do art projects, talking about what she is learning in school. I'm finding that small amounts of 4-year-old energy are passing into me when we have time together. Last night, I took her to dinner at one of her favorite places. I also let her get a kid's sundae which is a huge deal as she usually doesn't have treats like that. Typical approach, she made her ice cream "soup" and proceeded to take small small spoonfuls. When it was time to hurry it along to get home at a reasonable hour, we started feeding each other ice cream. I had big spoons for her, she had super small ones for me (our daughter does not like to share food, huh - wonder who she gets that from
 ) She started giggling and laughing and it was all over. We had the best time eating ice cream. Yes, I'm still struggling. Yes, I'm finding ways to connect and engage. Yes, I have a ways to go still. But...it's a place to start. November 11 The Disney MachineWe took A to see Disney Princess on Ice yesterday. Two things about this:
Oh my GAWD the consumerism! Those Princess faces were slapped on everything from the workers uniforms to the cups, popcorn boxes, straws - bags for the souveniors ranging from $5 - $50, the 20-freaking-dollar programs that came with a rose (I'm NOT spending that much money on a book that will fall apart in 3 weeks), the photo stations where for $12 your little Princess (or Prince) can be photographed with a statue of a favorite princess. It was a machine, it ran perfectly. The popcorn, cotton candy and slushy sellers in the crowd that decended precisely at intermission and magically disappeared mere seconds before the show started. I have not had a true "Disney Experience" in about 3 years, again I saw Oh My Gawd...
On the total opposite of that, to watch all of this through a 4 year-olds eyes makes it all worth it. She pretty quickly chose her souvenir, an Airel wand with a light up shell on the end playing a snippet of the song. I'm always intrigued how she picks Little Mermaid items when she has never seen the story (it's the one Princess I ban from my house, woman giving up who she is for a man, not OK message with me) It hasn't bothered her that she hasn't watched the movie. She still gravitates to Snow White (her absolute favorite), Belle and Mulan. The latter being very strong women indeed. To see her face as she watched the performers skating around on the ice, acting out the stories she knows - her rapture of the performance melted this Mommy's heart. I kept looking over at Norman and I knew he was having the same experience. She was so excited the entire time, talked about it all the way home, wanted to call her school friends and tell them all about it. These are the moments that remind me why parenting can also be rewarding. So pure, so loved, so innocent... If there was only a way to protect and preserve it.
One other note, I was not expecting the show to impact me personally as much as it did. When we were growing up, our parents took us every year to either the circus or the Ice Capades. I think I always liked the Ice Capades better. So when A's show started yesterday, I was sucked back to my own childhood and memories of sitting in the Philadelphia Spectrum watching the magic of ice and dance. I got teary eyed, choked up, wistful for a day when life was so much easier, even if we didn't know it at the time.
I eagerly await the next experience with A to watch the magic come alive in her face. The wonder and belief in magic, that dreams really do come true. October 29 Talking about Kids’ Costumes: Too Risque? | Newsweek Family | Newsweek.comThis is way too creepy: Kids’ Costumes: Too Risque? | Newsweek Family | Newsweek.com. Why are young girls so sexualized in today's world? What happened to Snow White and witches in full-length black dresses with fake moles, or a ghost in a white sheet for crying out loud? This just makes me sick. A is going as Snow White this year, very appropriate and covered costume from the Disney Store. But what about next year? We do our best to keep Barbie and Bratz out of our house. I would even take her dressed up as Hello Kit-ty or Mary Poppins or Zoe from Sesame Street before I let her bare her belly before the age of 16 (and even then she will likely sneak out of the house in respectable clothes and change in the car like her mom did). They are so little for such a short period of time, why are we growing them up so fast?!
October 12 USB Drive finds lost parents & ConcentrationThis: USB Drive finds lost parents - ParentDish is a very interesting concept. I wonder if I could get A some sparkly, jewel encrusted version and put it into her coat. The trouble I see with this is how to attach it to a child... It's Friday. And it could not have come soon enough. I'm finally finishing up the transition off my old project this week. There is a document sign off next week and then I should be done! The flip side is my new project doesn't have enough work for me. Although I did ask for more work today, which will happen on Monday. So now I can coast through the day and leave early. It probably doesn't help that I'm extremely tired today, a bit inside my head and not in the mood to work. Tonight, I shall have cocktails and all will be right with the world... Tomorrow, I get to clean out A's room and rearrange furniture. I've had a few people ask me about just getting rid of her stuff. Like, won't she miss it. Norman thinks I need to put all Goodwill items (that I deem as such) into a box and then get her approval. Well, if I take that approach everything in the box will end up back in her room. This child is a pack rat. If I'm being totally honest, a pack rat just like her mother was before college and transient life required traveling light. And if I'm being really honest, I still have pack rat tendencies, but it's more focused on emotional attachment now. I can be very good about throwing stuff away that needs to go away. Anyway - back to A. Perhaps the WOW! factor of a newly organized room and possibility for new toys and play spaces will over power the question as to Where Did It Go? Yep...I'm fooling myself aren't I? ...sigh...oh well, we'll see how tomorrow goes. In the meantime, leave me a comment with your favorite site to waste time on. FYI - Perez Hilton is already on my guilty pleasure list. I need something fresh. September 20 Talking about dooce: Getting thereThis entry in dooce (Heather Armstrong) really resonates with me. The part about not embracing my role as mother the nanosecond my child was placed in my arms for the first time. I defintely grew into it too, although for me it was more around 5 months of age when I went back to work full time and realized that YES! Women can work and not be paralyzed in missing their child, not be full of remorse for wanting to have a different kind of challenge every day...because believe me, it would be *much* harder for me to be a stay-at-home mom and I have all the respect in the world for women that choose this path. Life with A has gotten easier over the years. Particularly that stage about a year ago when she learned she can entertain herself. What? Not need Mommy & Daddy's attention every minute of the day? She has an imagination that can take her to many different places in short periods of time, giving Norman and I a much appreciated break and opportunity for adult conversation like, "Is it too early to open a bottle of wine?" Yet, I'm entering another stage of motherhood and am really struggling right now. My child is an inquisitive monster these days. It's ALL about the Why. And not the kind of easy Why like, Why does the stove get hot? Or Why does Buster eat on the floor. She has moved on to the consequence of Why, like, you turn the stove on and it gets hot but how does it do that and who invented it and what did people do before stoves Mom? Or, Why do cigarettes exist if people that smoke are all going to die (which, btw, she will announce at the the top of her lungs in public - "Mom/Dad, that man/lady is going to DIE!" when she sees someone with a cigarette) and who ever thought to take that plant and make a cigarette and light it on fire and inhale into their lungs? And you know what? If I only got one of those Why questions a day I may not be so insane. But we probably get 50 a day (less on days she is in school) and it is fucking exhausting. I love that my daughter is bright and inquisitive. I just wish she understood, and more importantly complied with, "Mommy needs 15 minutes of quiet sweetie. With no talking." So today I struggle with being a mom. I want more time away from my child than I think is acceptable. I need a break. I need quiet and alone time and different kinds of conversations with adults. Sometimes I want to run away for the day and be alone. Quiet. With my music and journal and book and coffee. Maybe a friend, maybe not. And my greatest fear right now? That I won't move past this stage and become resentful and add one more item to the list of "Reasons why A will be in therapy in her 20's". How do I find the balance? Quote dooce: Getting there August 19 Dessert ServiceIt is customary for A to play for a bit when we are finished eating so Norman and I have time to talk. Tonight, she had her apron on and was running her restaurant (favorite past time). She served us some Coconut Pie, and when that was done, she served us Jellybean Pie. When we were finished eating Jellybean pie, she asked us if we wanted anything else from the kitchen. We said no...
You cannot pay for this kind of entertainment! August 02 Demons!I want to know what evil spirit has possessed my child within the last two weeks. What the hell happened to my little girl? Every word that comes out of my mouth - she says and does the opposite. Tuesday, she lost all TV privileges until Saturday. Today, she lost it through Monday. I told her that if for the rest of today and all tomorrow, she cooperated and listened to Mommy & Daddy, she could earn back her weekend TV privs. Know what she said to me? "I cannot do that" - with that freaking impish grin that I would really like to wipe OFF her face! OK, I say, then no TV privs until Monday. At the rate she is going, there won't be any TV until she moves out of this house. July 13 The dinosaur zoo is closedA few months ago I told you all about A's (irrational) fear of dinosaurs and our need to call the Dinosaur Zoo each night to make sure they are locked up. About two months ago her class has done a unit on dinosaurs, so she now knows they are extinct. This is the conversation we had last Sunday on our way to the (Seattle) Woodland Park Zoo.
"Mommy?"
"Yes A?"
"You know dinosaurs are extinct right?" "Yes A, I do know that"
"So last week when we used to call the Dinosuar Zoo before bed. That wasn't real you know. Since dinosaurs are extinct."
- Note to reader: everything to A is last week, it could be a year, month or hour ago, it's "last week"
- Envision that look at 4-year-old has, the I-know-what-the-real-deal is here look
"Yes A, you are right. That wasn't real. Daddy and I were pretending to help you not be scared."
"We don't have to call the Dinosaur Zoo any longer. Since it's not real. They are extinct." June 09 One of those daysI really don't want to be a mommy today. It started when A woke me up at 7am to get her some breakfast when Norman was already up and awake. I tried to explain to her that it is rude to wake up someone when there is another person awake and ready to help. She looked at me as if I were speaking martian. That just started the day off so freaking well. She has been a challenge every step of the way. Defying everything Norman or I have said since waking. Talking back. Refusing to cooperate. She loas ther show tonight. On the verve of losing so much more. She had a birthday party this afternoon at her little friend's house. It was so nice to be childless for three hours. We went out to a nice lunch. Went grocery shopping. Hung out and read trashy magazines for awhile. So quiet. ...sigh... there was a time in my life that all Iw anted was to have back ground noise, music mostly, to fill something in my head. Some void. Now...now all I want is silence. Complete and utter silence. For 30 minutes. Or maybe I should start small at 15 minutes. No music, no talking, no noise of any sort. Complete and utter silence.
So, how the hell am I going to get that?! April 27 Talking about Off to Work She Should Go - New York Times(from the article linked below) The authors also speculate that the pressure of working and running a household is great. They do not say, however, that working hours have increased as participation has declined. Educated women, they report, work 42.2 hours a week on average and those with professional degrees, 45 — hardly the “80-hour week” of legend. I want to know what professional woman is working 45 hours a week. And how I can get that job. I work 45 hours a week just by having my ass in a chair at the office. That doesn't include going in early to talk off-shore, staying late to finish a deliverable, working in the evening or weekends to catch up on my actual work after sitting in meetings from 8-5. The 80-hour a week legend isn't a legend, it's truth. I'm not even in management anymore. Yes, I think technology advances have brought us far (I still think we have a ways to go if I'm still doing manual processes around a system that wasn't built smart). But for all our advances, and therefore the reduction in headcount - the work still has to get done. Right?! And who is going to do it? The person you laid off? The mom or dad deciding to stay home with their kids? That favorite employee that just took early retirement because the stock is doing well? No - it's us that are left back in the building with a laptop, smart phone/cell phone, beeper, wireless, on-call/all-the-time, working insane hours to keep up in a global industry....WE are the ones doing the work. I've been thinking a lot lately that I need a significant career change. Quote Off to Work She Should Go - New York Times April 14 Full circleLater today, we are taking A to her first concert, Dan Zanes. I was thinking yesterday afternoon about it being her first concert, and me wanting to help instill a love a music in her life. Which she pretty much already has since she loves her CD player and wants to listen a lot to songs, and makes up her own. Anyway, I was thinking of my first concert. I was in high school and sent to visit a friend in Maine. To that point, my parents had never brought me to a concert. Dont' know why...if it was the sex, the drugs, or the rock and roll. So while I'm visiting this friend in Maine and we go to see The Del Fuegos at some college stadium. Do you know the significance there? Dan Zanes was in the Del Fuegos. My daughter and I will have seen the same musician at our very first concerts. I think that is so cool. Maybe I'll buy a t-shirt. March 14 Dinosaur ZooAbout a month ago, maybe a bit longer, A started having dinosaur trauma. We would put her to bed and she would come out about 30 minutes later with a bad dream about dinosaurs. That morphed into coming out before sleep and saying the dinosaurs were going to get her. Now I cannot remember if she came up with the zoo concept or we did (probably Norman at that)... She asked if we could call the dinosaur zoo to make sure they were all locked up and couldn't come and get her. Now, each night before bed we call the dinosaur zoo. Sometimes we have it planned well and one of us does something like, get fresh water, get Buster to come in and say good-night, etc...when what we are really doing is hiding in the laundry room disguising our voices pretending to be the dinosaur zoo. One night she caught us off guard, both laying in bed with laptops in hand. In a bout of inspiration I called a friend that knew about our dinosaur zoo as her daughter needs the monsters exised before bed. She played right along and A didn't know the difference. Although she had a suspicious look like, I know that voice...
One night two weeks ago Norman used a disguised female voice instead of a male one. A did not like this voice at all. Just about every night since then she tells me that she doesn't want to talk to the lady at the dinosaur zoo because she doesn't like her. Norman and I get a good laugh out of that one.
What really makes me think is I believe she *knows* there is no dinosaur zoo and realizes it's mommy or daddy on the other line. There is just something about the look on her face that reads, "I know all about your game, it amuses me so we will continue to play as I like making you two look like fools."
I think I need a broader circle of zoo attendants I can call upon in a pinch to keep her, and us, on her toes. |
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